Film Transformers ternyata tidak hanya menyuguhkan tayangan full action yang seru dan special effects gila-gilaan yang membawa kembali kenangan ke masa kanak-kanak saya yang begitu terobsesi pada mobil yang bisa berubah jadi robot. Lebih dari itu, saya tak dinyana justru ngakak sepanjang film, melihat sederetan joke-joke sarkas kesukaan saya tersebar di mana-mana.
Posting kali ini saya dedikasikan untuk memuat sebagian joke tersebut untuk dibagikan kepada kalian, baik yang telah menonton, belum menonton, lebih memilih nonton HP5 (dan menyesal ) maupun yang tidak niat nonton sama sekali, hwehehe…
*Kutipan diambil dari sini.*
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: …and the compass makes uh… a great gift for Columbus Day…
Ron ‘Sparkplug’ Witwicky: [drives past a Porsche dealer] I’ve got a little surprise for you, son.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: No, no, no, no! Dad! Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!
Ron ‘Sparkplug’ Witwicky: Yeah, I am. You’re not getting a Porsche!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [repeated] No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [in a used car showroom] You ever seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin”?
Ron ‘Sparkplug’ Witwicky: Yeah…
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Well, you see this?
[points to a car]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: This is the 40-year-old virgin, and this
[points to another car]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: is the 50-year-old virgin.
Bobby Bolivia: A driver don’t pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver.
Bobby Bolivia: Son, I’m a lot of things. A liar’s not one of them. Especially not in front of my mammy. Hey, Mammy!
[Mammy gives him the middle finger]
Bobby Bolivia: Oh don’t be like that! If I had a rock I’d bust your head bitch. She’s deaf you know.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I thought you said that the car picks the driver?
Bobby Bolivia: Yeah, well sometimes they pick a driver with a cheap ass father. Now get out the car!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [to Mikaela] So listen, I was wondering if I could ride you home.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I mean!… ummm!
[hits console in car]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: give you a ride home. In my car, to your house.
George W. Bush: [to Air Force One flight attendent] Can you wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darlin’?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [talking into phone] If anyone finds this, my name is Sam Witwicky, and my car is alive…
[Captain Lennox is trying to call the Pentagon while his men fight Scorponok]
Captain Lennox: I need a credit card! Epps, where’s your wallet?
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: Pocket!
Captain Lennox: Which pocket?
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: MY BACK POCKET!
Captain Lennox: You got like ten back pockets!
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!
[Captain Lennox is using Epps’ credit card to call the Pentagon while his men fight Scorponok]
Captain Lennox: Okay, it’s a Visa…
International Operator: Also, sir, have you heard about our Premium Plus full service call package?
Captain Lennox: NO I DON’T WANT A PREMIUM PACKAGE!
Glen’s Cousin: [being chased by police] I’m just the cousin. I’M JUST THE COUSIN!
Glen Whitmann: My grandma don’t like nobody on her carpet, especially police!
Barricade: Are you username: LadiesMan217?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Barricade: ARE YOU USERNAME: LADIESMAN217?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Yeah…
Barricade: Where is the eBay item 21153? WHERE ARE THE GLASSES?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [to Frenzy] Not so tough without your head, are ya?
[kicks Frenzy’s head]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: It’s a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It’s probably Japanese.
[Mikaela is sitting in the middle front seat of the Camero with Sam in the passenger seat]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Why don’t you go sit sit in that seat there?
[nodding towards the driver’s seat]
Mikaela: I’m not going to sit in the seat he’s driving.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Yah… You’re right. Well maybe you should sit in my lap.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I have the only seat-belt here… Safety first.
Mikaela: You know, that seat belt thing was a pretty smooth move.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Thank you.
Mikaela: You know what I don’t understand?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Hmm?
Mikaela: Why, if he’s supposed to be like this super-advanced robot, does he transform back into this piece of crap Camaro?
[Bumblebee hits the brakes and stops in the middle of the tunnel. Sam and Mikaela step out]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Oh, see, no. That doesn’t work.
[Bumblebee turns around and speeds away]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Great. Now… see? Fantastic. Now you pissed him off! That car is sensitive. I mean, $4,000 just drove off!
[Bumblebee balances on his right wheels as he passes by other cars. He passes by a 2008 Camaro and reformats himself to that form before returning to Sam and Mikaela to the tune of ‘Battle Without Honor or Humanity’ by Tomoyasu Hotei]
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: What?
[Sam and Mikaela step inside, and Bumblebee rolls out]
Cafe’ kid 1: [running through the chaos caused by the falling protoforms] Wow… this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. This is easily a hundred times cooler than Armageddon… I swear to god!
Cafe’ kid 1: [after an Autobot has crushed a store] I sure hope they have astro-insurance or they are so boned.
Tooth Fairy Girl: [to Ironhide] Excuse me, are you the tooth fairy?
Autobot Jazz: What’s crackin’ little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Where’d he learn to talk like that?
Optimus Prime: We’ve learned Earth’s language through the World Wide Web.
Ratchett: [scanning Sam’s body] The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Wait, how do you know about the glasses?
Optimus Prime: eBay.
Glen Whitmann: Ok, Maggie, look. Lemme break it down to you, how it’s gonna happen. They gunna come thru that door, they’re gunna play good cop, bad cop. Don’t fall for that, alright?
Maggie Madsen: [rubs forehead]
Glen Whitmann: That’s why I ate their food. See, they put the plate of donuts out here to test your guilt. If ya don’t touch it, you’re guilty!
[picks up empty plate and drops it slightly]
Glen Whitmann: I ate the whole plate. The WHOLE plate. Huh? So me and you. They walk thru that door, you don’t say nothin’.
[door opens and agents come in. Glen is calm at first. the agent places his briefcase on the table with a loud noise. Glen jumps up and points to Maggie]
Glen Whitmann: She did it! She did it! She’s the one you want!
Glen: So I downloaded a couple thousand songs off the internet! Who hasn’t? who hasn’t?
Optimus Prime: [after stepping on a large plant in a pot] Oops, Sorry, my bad.
Ironhide: It seems you have a rodent infestation.
[aiming cannons at Mojo]
Ironhide: Shall I terminate?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: No! No! This is a chihuahua. We love chihuahuas.
Ironhide: He’s leaked lubricants all over my foot!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: He did? Bad Mojo! Bad!
Ironhide: Bad Mojo! Ugh, this is gonna rust…
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: [speaking to Optimus Prime through his window] Okay, listen. You got to listen to me. If my parents come out here and see you, they’re going to freak. My mother’s got a temper.
Ron ‘Sparkplug’ Witwicky: 5… 4… It’s comin’ off the hinges, pal. 3… 2… stand back!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: What’s up?… What’s with the bat?
Ron ‘Sparkplug’ Witwicky: Who were you talking to?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Talkin’ to you.
Judy Witwicky: Why are you so sweaty and filthy?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I’m a child. Ya know, I’m a teenager.
Judy Witwicky: We don’t have to call it that if it makes you uncomfortable. We can call it Sam’s Happy Time!
Ironhide: [brandishing large cannons] Parents are irritating… Can I take ‘em out?
Optimus Prime: Ironhide, you know we don’t harm humans! What’s with you?
Ironhide: I know, I’m just saying we could… it’s an option…
Judy Witwicky: You hurt my dog, I’ll kick your ass!
Agent Simmons: You see this? This is a “do whatever I want and get away with it” badge.
Agent Simmons: She’s a criminal. And criminals are HOT!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I want my car, my parents. Maybe you should write that down. Oh and her juvie record. That’s gotta be gone. Like: Forever.
Mikaela: Thank you.
Agent Simmons: [deep sigh] The man’s an extortionist.
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: So…
Maggie Madsen: What are you here for?
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: I bought a car. Turned out to be an alien robot.
Glen: [whispered] Wow…!
Sam ‘Spike’ Witwicky: Who knew?
Frenzy: Allspark located.
Starscream: This is Starscream: All Decepticons mobilize.
Barricade: Barricade en-route…
Devastator: Devastator reporting…
Bonecrusher: Bonescrusher rolling…
Blackout: Blackout incoming… All hail Megatron!
Agent Simmons: I’m gonna count to five…
Captain Lennox: I’m gonna count to three.
[Epps and Glen stare at the gashes in the Allspark chamber]
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: Whoa… Freddy Krueger was here!
Glen Whitmann: Naw, man! Freddy’s got four claws, that’s only three of ‘em! That’s WOLVERINE, man! Wolverine’s my dog!
Autobot Jazz: [before attacking Devastator] Come on, Decepticon punk!
*Update 6 Aug: Susunan quotesnya disesuaikan dengan kronologis filmnya*